Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Let's Get Real about Feelings

Monday was the big day, the big appointment that every pregnant mother waits for to see if her intuition was right or very, very wrong. To see the best kept secret that anyone every kept. It was anatomy scan day. It was a very emotional day anyway, with some arguing between Elliott and I, mostly made up in my own head, and a busy day at work, because Mondays are always busy.

When I got home we had lunch and scurried to get ready, because let's face it we always run late for everything. We meant to leave at 1, maybe 1:10, but we pulled out of the driveway at 1:16. Not too bad! Then we were on our merry way. Amelia in the back asking for gum, Alyssa playing with her friends asking for a book I couldn't reach.

When we got there Alyssa and I went to the bathroom (yep! My not-yet-two year old is potty trained! She only wears diapers at night). Then the sono tech came to get us. I still held onto the belief that baby #3 was a little boy and when I didn't see the hamburger I got my hopes up very high and then I saw the tell tale girl sign and my hopes came down with a sudden crash. I couldn't stop the tears and I didn't because I knew I would feel worse later if I did. I let go, just let myself feel the disappointment that this was our last child and it wasn't a boy, it's a third healthy girl, who did a complete flip and showed us again that she wasn't playing. Elliott tried to lighten my self pity because I promised him he could say "told you so" and he did. He and Amelia knew the entire time it was a girl. The sono tech (a very sweet lady we've come to know over the years) gave me a hug when Elliott and the girls left, telling how lucky we were and that what I was feeling was natural. I know, and I wasn't upset she was a girl! I'm used to girls, I love my girls. I was just disappointed that our little boy would never be.

After we left I really just let go, the kind of cry that gives you the upset gasps. I felt bad. She couldn't help that she was a girl, and I loved her already anyway so why did her gender make a difference? It didn't, I was just changing my dream and its a painful thing to do. Then Elliott told me her name, which I can't tell because I have been sworn to double pinky swear secrecy, and then I knew this was meant to be, and I was fine.

I had thought back on it and I had prayed that God would know my heart and give me the type of babe that would complete our family. I feared that if the baby was a boy I might subconsciously favor him or treat him differently than the girls. Because every pregnancy I thought they were boys. I really wouldn't know what to do with a boy anyway!! Then yesterday I went to kiss the girls before I left for work, and their round sleeping faces gleamed from the hall light and I knew I had been truly blessed to say that I have three daughters. I have three little girls that adore their daddy and look up to me (well, the third will one day). How can I feel anything but happy and overjoyed? Then everything was extremely right with the world and I left behind the dream of a blue baby forever and started dreaming of prom dresses and hair do's, lunch dates at the mall, and just hanging out with these three beautiful little girls who I assume will grow into beautiful young women.

Elliott is over the moon because he knows he will never be short on admirers and that he knows how to take care of girls. He looked at me in the car sideways and said, "there is going to be yarn everywhere..." He's right, these little girls are going to be amazing yarn artists if I have anything to say about it! I am so thankful for the three healthy children Go has blessed me with and I can't wait to learn how to French braid finally. But first, I have to find the perfect blanket to make for her! :-)

Thursday, February 6, 2014

You Just Cannot

I'm a religious person, not outwardly so. I cuss, though I never take the Lord's name in vain. I try not to be a gossip or talk bad about people and above all else, I definitely try not to judge people. Sometimes God gives you something that just smacks you right in the face and you can't ignore it.

The other day we were eating dinner or lunch, I can't remember which now, and Alyssa was handing me her cup telling me, "I 'ant more." The cup was clearly full from the looks and I had just refilled it. I told her she could have more when she was done. She told me she wanted more ketchup. No, you already have some on your plate. She then repeated these demands. I was losing this battle because she wasn't listening. I finally told her,

"You cannot have more when you already have enough."

I stopped in my tracks. This is the answer to life! We cannot keep searching for more stuff when we already have enough, we cannot have more love when we already have enough. Life is enough. How can you have more than you have at this moment when what you have is enough in this moment? The answer is, you cannot have more when you already have enough.

And then I cried a little, but I cry a little at everything these days. God never gives us more than we can handle and I believe that's true in all things, happiness, grief, anger, joy, love, etc. So why is it we constantly looking into the future to see a better existence when the answers we're looking for are in front of us. Our enough is enough.

I can't pretend that I don't so these things, I'm a "if this, than that..." Type of person. But when I said that to Alyssa my eyes opened and my heart felt lifted. These girls are enough, this bean inside me is enough, Elliott is enough, my life is enough, I do not need more.

And who could truly ask for more? These guys are pretty amazing (Elliott included). I'm so incredibly lucky and in love with my life and with Elliott. We've built this "enough" together and it's taken me this long to grasp how meaningful it actually is. I love these girls who are so well behaved and listen for the most part, but they are only 4 and 2 (almost). I could not ask for more.